Love's Not Easy

When I talk of love, I talk about relationships. It is never easy and that is for the following BMW (build, maintain, win) reasons.


1. Love is something you BUILD.


Funny how when you look back and how you fell in love with your special someone, how you thought that was the best thing that ever happened to you. This is of course reinforced by intimate moments with one another. Not necessarily sex but plain intimacy when you learn more about each other and how you want to spend more and more time with one another. You thought that this was it, that you have found your soul mate, and that there's no need to do anything further. However over time you would learn that there many things you have not learned about each other. Once you enter into a deeper relationship, more things are revealed like onion layers being peeled one at a time. This process could take a while for some people. And so the relationship goes deeper, like foundations are being overhauled each time and more reinforcements are being added to make the foundations stronger. Your life together is like a building. You build and build and as the years pass the building gets bigger and stronger. You never stop building. You take the positive things that the two of you can bring together and lay them as bricks one of top of another. Your understanding of one another reinforces the foundations. Taking positive things for your building is important. What does not work has to be thrown out and replaced. Here is where there is the process of constant revelation and reconciliation to make the building stronger. Over the year as you see this relationship progress, both of you become more confident even when there are difficulties for there is the synergy of working together with amplified results. If you are going to picture your relationship now as a building, how do you see the foundations: Are they sturdy or crumbling? How do you see the building? Growing or stagnating? Build on the positive things that are happening to you. Learn from your mistakes. It is always give and take. It is always the two of you involved. Love is not looking at each other but looking together in the same direction - so you can live a happy life together.


2. Love is something you MAINTAIN.


Building is one thing. Maintaining is another. What you have already built on, you have to look for possible improvements or prevention of nasty things that may happen. This involves a litte bit of foresight, intuition even, having a feel for what might be happening. You may be content with the relationship you think is going on swimmingly and you haven't looked at the danger signs. These signs you can feel from the conversations or lack thereof, from the way you communicate with one another, if there is anything strained or stressed or muted, these are danger signs and they must be addressed as part of the maintenance and they cannot be ignored. One thing though, you have to talk about it and be honest about it. There is no use just keeping quiet to yourself and hope that the right thing will happen. Your relationship is a two way relationship. It's not just about you and the other person. It's about the two of you and if there are children involved then they are also brought into the equation. So talking to one another is very important. Don't assume that the other person understands you. Don't assume that the other person should be able to predict and should know. Some people don't get it - for various reasons which we will not get into here. The thing is to bring into focus what should be resolved and have a common ground that will benefit not just you or your partner but something that will benefit both of you. Remember it is not just about you. Insisting this is selfish. If you like to be the champion all the time, then you will surely lose. You both have to be the champions. So don't just be quiet. Don't just write notes. Bring the matter to a hearing between the two of you. You can even involve the extended family so they have your support. Do this lovingly conscious that this should be of benefit to both of you and that this is a process on maintaining your relationship.


3. Love is something you WIN.


Winning is positive. Everybody wants to win. Winning gives you confidence to go on further winning other things or other challenges in life. You have had already some success with money or with your work but you also have to be a winner in this love relationship. You both should be winners, not losers. You both need to get that confidence to go further and win more and lead a better life together - as winners. This is not like a lottery. When you love one another, make one another confident, encourage one another all the time. When good things happen - celebrate. And celebrate together as winners. For example, it is not just you who got promoted. Your partner is in there too. You both win. Otherwise it will feel like there's a competition between the two of you. If the other person earns more, then he/she appears to the winner. It is not that way. Your successes are as a couple and not just one person's,. Your failures are also shared but look at your failures are lessons that teach you something so that you do things better the next time, so that you will not repeat the same mistakes, which some people do by the way, like the dog returning to its vomit. Celebrate successes - whether big or small. They become opportunities for you to tell yourselves that you're on the right track and that you are looking forward to more successes. If one is successful in some respect and decide that they are better off alone so they can be successful in their own way is on the way to perdition. They might not realize it now but that is where they are going. Winning, in the context of a relationship, is always for both of you. So go win together. Give each other the prize.